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I can’t tell if I love weddings now, or if I love attending them because I will never have another one under any circumstance. My husband could get sucked out of an airplane window, and while I would probably find love again because I’m like crazy affable, I would never have a wedding again. It’s extra important, then, to take advantage of buffets whenever possible. Weddings are also the best place to understand family dynamics. I learned that the rift between my Chicago family and Jersey family seems to be that Chicago is anti-tax fraud (disappointing knowing our political history) and Jersey family is pro. Both can be correct, and that’s why I’m Chicago-New York bicoastal. My fuck ass uncle spent the weekend ignoring me so egregiously you would’ve thought I was in the files. Personally, I’m relieved that I don’t have to make an effort with him again, though I worry he hasn’t thought through the consequences. Like, for example, what if he starts choking near me? Does he have a backup emergency contact to give him the Heimlich? Because I’m not going to do it. I’m re-reading that and feeling kind of bad for saying that I’d let my uncle choke before giving him the Heimlich, but if it helps, I don’t really know how to do it. It would be awful to choke and die, but wouldn’t it be worse to choke and die after getting a bang up Heimlich from a bitch you hate? Thank god this is hypothetical, but please be careful around the passed apps.