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Getting swindled into buying a big Trader Joe’s bag of chia seeds (swindled in that they put them on display and it’s January, when I believe in myself) and running in the park is humiliating at the beginning of the year. Look, look at her trying to turn it all around. The only way it doesn’t become humiliating is if it sticks. Then, it’ll be impressive that I eat so many seeds. Yeah I’ll learn about more seeds by then. There’s probably at least three types of seeds. I will be a bird. Would’ve been most helpful to be a bird a few weeks ago during the holidays, when Noah’s aunt and uncle talked about birds for fifteen full minutes. Not even information about birds, like what they’re up to, which ones are extinct, which ones are new money, whether there was an “incident” with a bird—an incident where the bird is empowered, obviously, and attacking a person or other predator, rather than an “incident” where the bird like flies into a window or whatever. Incident where a bird is fully aware and alive in its capacity as a bird. Anyway, no anecdotes about the birds in these fifteen minutes. Just birds that they saw. This may sound cute but you have to believe me that it was not. I mentioned having birds as a child, but that I also had a guinea pig, which was objectively more fun as a pet. She said that ferrets are better and could probably eat a baby guinea pig. Ok. Got my ass.